Or am I? When I think about the word “big” I envisage a huge, shapeless mass…and honey, I am NOT shapeless. To the contrary, I am full of curves. But, yes, I am big-er than other women. It hasn’t always been that way….there was once upon a time where I was under the 145 pound mark. Those days are long forgotten and my body acceptance is definitely a new thing for me. But the feeling is amazing and incredibly empowering.
I was diagnosed with hypothyroid disease when I was 22. It was the most disheartening thing I had ever experienced …and for those that think thyroid disease (and I have met too many of these people) is not a real thing you can exit this post right now. It was right after I had Bryce. I had started an exercise/dieting regimen and lost 45 pounds and I was feeling amazing. Long story short, I randomly started gaining the weight back and after a myriad of test and the ruling out of everything else, they labeled me with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis. Shortly after the diagnosis, all my hair fell out and when it started to grow back in, it felt like literal Brillo pad. My skin was super dry and flaky and overall, I just felt completely terrible all the time. I was too tired to do anything and all I wanted to do was nap. Needless to say, my self confidence was at an all time low.
Over time, I have been able to manage the symptoms and there are days when I just sleep for 46 million hours but I am okay. The one thing that I have not been able to do is lose weight. I have tried: Weight Watchers, calorie counting, high intensity exercise, low intensity, water aerobics, every single exercise program that Shaun T has ever made (exempting Asylum because..no), my doctor has prescribed Phentermine and Orlistat and I have tried the low carb diet countless times. And I am not the type of person that gives half of anything…I was very committed to each and every one of my weightless attempts and since 2010, I have not been able to lose more than 20lbs. Each time, I get more defeated and frustrated than before. It is a constant uphill battle and putting it in all that hard work to see no benefit is heartbreaking. It’s a vicious cycle: diet and exercise, see zero results and then land face first into a pizza. Sigh.
But recently, I have started on an entire new wave of thinking. After 8 years of trying to lose the same weight, I am going to STOP. There is no point in continually frustrating myself. That does NOT, however, give me license to just eat whatever I please. I am learning that skinny does NOT equate healthy. Curves are not the enemy. I may never have an “Instagram body” but does that make me less than? Does that make me unattractive? Absolutely not. So why should I hide my body at the beach? Why should I continue wearing hot jeans all summer? Why should I care what anybody but me thinks about my body? The reality is, I shouldn’t. Only I define me. And for anyone going through anything similar, FORGET what anyone else thinks of you. Be the best version of you that you can and LOVE yourself. That is what it is all about. So you may never shed those extra pounds. So WHAT?! Be a healthy you and be in love with you are and what you look like. That person that you see in the mirror is awesome.
I am going to take control of my own life. My thyroid might get to decide how jiggly my booty gets and that’s fine because that is ALL it gets to decide. I am going to focus on being healthy, not smaller. That is my goal for 2017. I am going to embrace ALL of me and learn to love who I am. Why? Because I am awesome.
Until next time, keep smiling.
I am a New Yorker. Take that with a grain of salt because many would…